


Breathtaking, Unique, Majestic

by squire



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Love Poems, M/M, Ode to Hux's butt, The Resistance spies didn't sign up for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-12-16 20:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21042632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squire/pseuds/squire
Summary: Kylo loves Hux's butt.





	Breathtaking, Unique, Majestic

**Author's Note:**

> Thousand thank you to heresetrash for suggesting I write this, and to Vee and oorsprong for providing the most hilarious, vogonic rhymes to the many synonyms for the part where the back loses its decent name.

The front seam on his tunic was ripped. Again. And that tunic was his last one. Kylo held the offending garment in front of his face and peered balefully through the hole. Why did the First Order make clothing that would rip in half as soon as someone took a deep breath? 

Well, despite all Kylo’s prowess in the Force, those two halves simply wouldn’t hold together by themselves. He’d have to mend it somehow. Sadly, his dexterity wasn’t the greatest with anything smaller than a lightsaber, and although he loved Hux very much, it still wasn’t the best idea to trust him with a sharp object. The ship’s tailoring shop it was. 

He took the turbolift to the lower decks with his ruined tunic in hand, didn’t bother buzzing the door and strode straight into the small workshop, cramped from floor to ceiling with uniforms in various state of repair. He threw the bundle on the counter and looked around. Funny, were those officer’s boots on the floor…?

“One moment!” a high-pitched voice called out and true enough, after a few seconds the head seamstress emerged from her worktable, buried somewhere under piles of uniform grey fabric. 

“Oh!” she pushed the magnifier glass she used to work on the finest stitching up onto her forehead and did a double take at the Supreme Leader’s topless form. To her credit, she recovered quickly. 

“Popped seam? Of course, I can see the issue.” She clicked her tongue, eyes roaming across the expanse of skin in front of her. Kylo wondered if she was taking his measurements by eye or simply jumping at the opportunity to ogle. 

“I’ll have this fixed in a moment, but first, if you’ll excuse me-” and she turned towards the changing cubicle in one corner, calling out: “So how’s the fit, Grand Marshal?”

The curtain across the cubicle front rippled and then slid aside with a squeak, and Hux walked out to stop in front of the full-length mirror in a brand new Grand Marshal uniform. 

“Supreme Leader,” he acknowledged Kylo calmly, locking eyes with him briefly in the mirror and then again focusing at his own reflection, twisting his hips this way and that. 

“I think you look great,” Kylo provided helpfully. The promotion was quite a recent thing and one of Kylo’s best ideas. Hux wouldn’t admit he was grateful, of course, but the head he gave Kylo just last night was spectacular. And seeing how good the white uniform looked on Hux… the only way it would look better would be on the floor of Kylo’s bedroom, if you asked him. 

“I don’t know,” Hux said, shuffling his feet again and wiggling his hips. “I think the waist needs to be taken in.”

“Quite right,” the seamstress agreed, rushed over with a wad of pins taped to her wrist and knelt behind Hux, expertly pinching the material and inserting one pin after another. 

“I said the waist,” Hux frowned when the row of pins started to extend all the way down the seat of his trousers. 

“But sir, I need to take in all of that,” the seamstress explained. “You see, usually people have broader hips than waist, and sometimes with ladies I need to add in extra across the lowest circumference of the seat, but with you...”

“What?”

“She’s saying you have no butt,” Kylo couldn’t hold back the snort. Especially not when he saw the colour Hux turned in the mirror. “And she’s right.”

Of course she was right. Just a few days ago Hux was complaining about the stupid lack of belt loops on the First Order uniforms, meaning he had to velcro his belts to himself unless they’d slip down all the way to his ankles. 

“Nonsense. Of course I have a… butt.”

“Come on, Hux. Not even the Hutts putting up a bounty on your butt would help anyone find it,” Kylo laughed. 

“It’s perfectly normal for gentlemen on the slimmer side-” the seamstress attempted to soothe Hux, but he wasn’t listening. He was seething. 

“I would think that the size of my… hind parts had nothing to do with my ability to carry out my duties as the head of the First Order military,” he hissed. 

“Oh, Hux. You know I love  _ all  _ your assets,” Kylo cooed. “Even the tiniest ones.”

“Don’t push it, Ren.” Hux warned him, momentarily forgetting to  _ supreme-leader _ him in public. “At least all of me fits into the standard uniform, unlike  _ someone _ who keeps hulking out of their clothes and stretching the clothing budget-”

“You know what I’d rather be stretching right now?” Kylo winked at him, laughing again at the scandalized fury on Hux’s face. “And maybe you have a point,” he mused. “Maybe your ass only looks small next to my huge-”

Hux fervently hoped that by now, the seamstress had wisely used one of her pins to prick her ears. 

*

“No, Kylo.”

Hux hoped his resoluteness would carry through the locked door and make the man-child on the other side stop whining. 

“Hux. You can’t be saying you’re still pissed about that.”

“I indeed am,” Hux called out, punching the pillow into better shape and spreading it generously over  _ the entire _ width of the bed. His, for tonight. At the very least. “I’m pissed. You humiliated me. You hurt me. You hurt my butt.”

“Hux, come on. Let me in,” Kylo pleaded again. “I’ll make that cute little bum feel good.”

“No, you’re staying on the sofa,” Hux held his own. “You may use that time to think long and hard on how to apologize.”

“Long and hard? Open that door and I’ll show you something long and hard-”

Hux pulled the pillow over his ears and shut his eyes tight. 

*

The morning dawned bright and cheerful with the artificial lights going up in Hux’s bedroom to mark the beginning of the day, and Hux stretched out luxuriously and smiled at his own blurred reflection in the polished ceiling. He could get used to a whole night of uninterrupted rest every once in a while. And if it meant coming up with reasons to banish Ren to the sofa - well, he’d just have to fabricate some other excuse to get mad. 

And maybe Ren was chastised enough to make him breakfast. Or at the very least, eager for Hux’s forgiveness enough to put that insolent mouth of his to good use and help Hux relieve him of his morning wood. Feeling well-rested, pleased with himself and optimistic towards the future, Hux rolled out of bed and walked out of his bedroom. 

There was no breakfast. There was also no Ren. The sofa looked slept on, judging from the unsightly patch of drool on one end, but the living quarters were quiet and obviously Supreme-Leader-free.

Hux sighed. How typical. 

But it couldn’t dampen his good mood, not for long. Today was the day his promotion was to be announced to the entire might of the First Order. Hux whistled as he brewed his caf. Today, the entire Fleet would learn how high he stood in the Supreme Leader’s favour. The greatest moment of his military career. Hux lovingly put on his new, pristine white uniform, packed the breast pockets with correct code cylinders and strode towards the bridge. 

*

_ “To all soldiers and citizens of the First Order, this is your Supreme Leader speaking,” _ Kylo’s voice boomed out of the bridge loudspeakers in time with the appearance of his holographic image, showing him standing before his throne. His straight back and feet planted wide exuded his usual arrogance but at the same time, he was clutching a sheet of flimsi in his hand, like a nervous pupil in front of the entire class. Hux mentally rolled his eyes but kept his face professional, with just a hint of anticipatory smile. 

The Supreme Leader’s projection cleared its throat. 

_ “I have an announcement to make,”  _ Ren began,  _ “though I’d better start with an apology." _

The smile dropped from Hux’s face.  _ No. Not now _ , he thought.  _ You triple-damned Supreme fool, not now! _

_ “I committed a grave transgression,” _ Ren continued, completely undeterred by Hux’s frantic and futile Force-null mental projection.  _ “I have insulted a person dearest to me, for nothing but my own amusement. But I have been given time to atone, and I have tried to put into words how  _ much  _ I actually love what I so thoughtlessly insulted.” _

Out of the corner of his eye, Hux saw the confused glances of the bridge crew. His lips kept moving, silently mouthing desperate pleas for Ren to  _ not _ take it in the direction he could see it going. But of course, this was Ren. He wasn’t just going in that direction, he was racing there headfirst, at the top speed. 

_ “It was no easy task,” _ Kylo puffed up his chest slightly.  _ “But with the time given so graciously to me, I managed. My dear Hux, with the heartfelt words of this poem I seek to gain your forgiveness.” _

The floor swam under Hux’s feet. Ren didn’t. Ren fucking didn’t…

With a last loud throat-clearing, Ren held the sheet of flimsi higher before his eyes and began to read out loud. 

_ “Love, forgive me being so aberrant _

_ so that I’ve called your lovely hide scant. _

_ my heart bleeds when banished from your side _

_ for this crime against your backside.” _

Hux once heard that somewhere in the Outer Rim lived a race of aliens who practiced poetry so bad that they successfully used it to interrogate their enemies. He never really believed in their existence but now he was realizing that if they indeed existed, Ren could’ve given them a run for their money. 

_ “My love for you no living man can trump _

_ all for that soft centre of your rump. _

_ Passion wrecks me and makes me reckless _

_ when I spot sight of your cute bum freckles.” _

Belatedly, Hux recovered from the initial shock enough to move, to shout orders. 

“Stop the transmission!” he yelled at the communication officer. 

But even as the poor man gave him a mute, red-faced shake of the head, he knew the same. The speech was being broadcasted from the Throne room. It couldn’t be intercepted from the bridge. 

_ “I’d travel a thousand miles over troubled waters _

_ just to spend my day close to your hindquarters. _

_ In the war’s rush _

_ I’d defend your tush _

_ from every ambush!” _

Someone in the command pit just peed their breeches, Hux was sure of it. But none of them was laughing. Hux would personally behead them with Ren’s lightsaber is they did-

-behead.  _ Of-fucking-course.  _ Hux sprang into action. He couldn’t close that communication canal, but he could cut off the entire power supply to that part of the ship. He jumped into the command pit, shoved Mitaka to the side and with a few punches of the buttons on the controls board, he did exactly that.

_ “Thus I, my love, thee dearly beseech _

_ let me again near your lovely-” _

The bridge plunged into silence. 

Someone squeaked with a sobbing inhale and slapped their hands across their mouth again. 

“A suggestion, sir?” a tiny voice peeped next to Hux. 

Hux leveled Mitaka with a glare. “Choose your words wisely, Lieutenant.”

Mitaka took a deep breath. “Sir, I suggest, whatever he did, you forgive him. Because he’s about to restart the power supply...” he pointed at the ship’s electrical grid readings. 

Hux wrangled the communicator out of his pocket so fast he nearly tore the fabric. 

“Ren! I forgive you, so stop it this instant!!” he yelled into it. 

_ “But Huuuux,”  _ came the stubborn whine across the static,  _ “you haven’t even heard the best part! Because your bum is-” _

-there was a sound of a deep breath being drawn-

_ “Beautiful, perfect, inspiring, brilliant, incredible, amazing, spectacular, totally unique, stunning, legendary-” _

Hux smashed the communicator shut. 

Beside him, Mitaka looked thoughtful. “So that was why he asked me for a thesaurus this morning...”

Hux put his face into his hands, groaning. He was never, ever going to live this down. Maybe it was finally time to stage a coup and flush Kylo Ren out of the airlock like the little shit he was. 

Or maybe just spread the memo that this Supreme Leader’s mad broadcast was a test of the Fleet’s loyalty and a foil to lull the Resistance into the feeling of safety. Yes, he could do that. He was, after all, used to damage control. Hux huffed, climbed back up from the command pit, straightened his uniform and leveled everyone with a commanding look.

“I don’t want to hear a word of this, ever.”

Someone across the command walkway whispered: “I wonder what rhymes with posterior...”

Hux glared that way. “I mean it. Remember that I’m your superior.”

Maybe Ren’s madness was contagious, after all. 


End file.
